Corona Letters 67 - If my clothes could talk

 When you were a kid did you ever wonder if your stuffed animals or dolls talked when you left the room?   Did you ever leave your room saying to no one in particular "I'm just going out and I'll probably be gone for a verrrry long time" and then quickly come back hoping to catch your stuffed animals and dolls having a tea party without you?   Did you ever put them all in the closet or a toy chest and then listen for hushed whispers from the other side of the door/lid?

You didn't?

Awkward.

Um.  I definitely didn't do that either.

But seriously, flash forward 45+ years and suddenly I find myself wondering if my clothes talk behind my back.   Every morning I walk into my closet and walk past all my lovely blouses and dressier clothes, gathering dust on their hangers.   I go directly to the shelf where I keep my jeans and sweats, grab an outfit for the day and then I run back past my nice clothes, head down, full of guilt.

Not my actual closet

You can call me crazy if you want to but here is the dialog I imagine my clothes having every morning:

Blouse #1:  She's out of the shower!  She'll be coming in soon.   Look your best fellow blouses!!

Jeans and Sweats:  You're so funny!  You really think she's going to wear you?

Blouse #1:  I used to be her favorite, she'll be back for me someday.

Sweatshirt: (under breath) As if you'll still fit.

Blouse#1:  Excuse me?

Sweatshirt:  C'mon, the vent is right here, can't you smell all the baked goods the man has been making?

Blouse#1:  Well she does STILL work out.

Laughter erupts throughout closet.

Skinny jeans:  She tried me on one day and it wasn't pretty, now I'm shoved behind the ugly sweaters.

Ugly Sweaters:  Hey!  We prefer "festive".

Sweatpants:  I just hope she doesn't come for me.  Last time she put me on she didn't take me off for 10 days!!!   I kind of wish I could hide myself behind the Ugly sweaters.

Ugly Sweaters:  FESTIVE!!!

Sweatshirt:  I feel you sweatpants, I have so many stains I should be retired and made into a dust rag.  That would be a welcomed fate.   Apparently she doesn't think deodorant is necessary when she's not leaving the house anymore.   Let me tell you, she NEEDS deodorant.

Fat Jeans:   I hear ya sweatshirt.  Every time she tries to button her bagel-fed "doughy" body into my fully stretched out self she says, "I refuse to buy bigger jeans!"   She's one bagel away from that necessity my friends.  I mean, my label says "stretch jeans" but even I have my limits.

Sweatpants:   Sigh.  She won't buy new jeans.  She'll just wear me more.   And can I just ask why she has like 32 pretty blouses (that she never wears) and only 2 pairs of sweatpants???!!!  That's crazy!

Skinny jeans:   If she buys more sweatpants, she'll never wear me again.

Everyone else:  She's never wearing you again!!  Get comfy behind the ugly sweaters.

Ugly Sweaters:  FESTIVE!!!

***********

Blouse #1:  SHHHH! Here she comes!

I enter closet and stop for a second to admire the clothes I never wear any more.  I miss them.

Blouse #1: (silently) pick me!  pick me!  Remember the fun we used to have?  Dinners out?  The Moth?  Remember that?

Sweatshirt: (silently) pick her!  pick her!  Please, let me just sit in here for a couple of weeks, smelling "Tide-fresh", instead of well, smelling like you.   Also, if I get anymore stains I will be re-labeled as a "tie-die" and I'm not a hippie!

Sweatpants: (silently hoping) please no!  please no!  please no.

Sweats grabbed.

Sweats: (silent scream) NOOOOOOOOO!

Leave closet.

Blouse #1:  Well, there's always tomorrow ladies.   Look sharp!

Skinny jeans:  And me too?  I'll be ready for tomorrow too?   Pretty Please?

Blouse #1:  Sure, skinny jeans, be ready.

Ugly Sweaters:   Skinny jeans, I hate to break it to you, but you're stuck behind us, um, Ugly Sweaters forever.   If you're lucky she'll donate you to goodwill.

Fat Jeans:  hehe, "Ugly Sweaters"

Ugly Sweaters:  (eyeroll)