Corona Letters #62 - Are you okay?

 

"I'm okay."

At least that's what I say.

In pre-pandemic times, when passing an aquaintance, it was considered good manners to say, "Hi. How are you?" The polite response was always "Fine.  How are you?"   There was an unspoken agreement that the answer was always "Fine" because anything else would require a much longer conversation.   I have heard that this kind of exchange can be confusing to non-Americans.   "Why do you say your fine when you just lost your job/a relative/a civil court case?" 

It's just the way we do things.   We don't really want an answer unless we are very good friends, or family.

These days I find myself pausing when people ask how I am.  I ask myself "Am I okay?"   I pat myself like I'm looking for a pen in my pocket.  "yup.  my legs are still there.  my arms too."  Then I look around my surroundings, "It doesn't look like I'm in a hospital with covid" I tell myself.    I think about the food in my fridge and the job my husband has, allowing us to eat and pay bills.

"I'm fine.  I'm okay" I say.

Sometimes it doesn't feel true but it also is absolutely true.  I think you know what I mean.

Sometimes my heart is breaking over the politics and riots in this country.   Sometimes I feel like I can't stand this pandemic for one more minute.    I don't want to be in my house all day.   Sometimes I am experiencing interpersonal problems that are hard to resolve over zoom or email.   Sometimes this world, this time, this experience makes me physically hurt and ache.    It can be very difficult to get out of bed in the morning.

"I'm fine. I'm okay" I say.

The other day I saw an acquaintance in the grocery store.  We passed quickly and I asked "How are you?  Everyone (meaning her family) okay? healthy?"  She responded "Yup.  We're all good."

I learned from someone else later that her entire family had recently had covid.   This woman is not someone I am close to so I wouldn't expect her to stop in the grocery store to tell me her tale of woe.

But it makes me wonder how low the bar has become for saying, "I'm okay" "I'm fine"

In this pandemic does the mere fact that we are alive and breathing equate with saying, "I'm okay"

Some days it feels like it.

Being alive is enough I guess.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this.   The truth is I don't think any of us are okay or fine.   Maybe we should stop asking for these false affirmations?

What if instead, when we bumped into people we said things like "I love that your hair is so long and so beautifully gray!" "Those are really nice sweats.  Where did you order them from?" "What mysterious item is the grocery store out of today?" "It's not unbearably cold today is it? Might be a nice day for a walk."  Or even,

"What a lovely surprise to bump into you!  It's so nice to see your lovely face!"

Because, let's face it.  Nobody is okay.