Corona Letters #45 - the Christmas Letter

 

Dear Friends,

We could not be happier with the results of the 2020 Presidential elections.   And, we agree that it totally makes sense that the unreliable USPS be shut down which is why we are sending this via email.   We also think it's wonderful that the government will have access to and be reading all our emails to make sure nothing negative is being said about our Supreme Leader.    He is a wonderful man after all, we wish him nothing but good health this holiday season.

First of all, we'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas since Christianity has become the state approved religion, and it is a fine, fine decision that anyone who follows any other religion should spend time in prison.   As a previously Jewish family we are so happy to finally be able to celebrate Christmas with no feelings of remorse.  We were so pleased to find the state mandated Christmas tree on our doorstep in early December.  We have properly disposed of our menorah and all other religious items that we held dear in our misinformed past.

So now for some family updates:

As some of you know, my husband lost his job in the end of November when Science was declared the enemy of the state.    We agree with the New Science that has been developed by the President's advisors, none of whom have degrees in Biology, Chemistry, or Physics, the subjects that we all know now are full of lies and inaccuracies.    We are so grateful that vaccines have been outlawed.  We all know now that vaccines were the cause of many of the ills of our society.    We are also grateful that diagnostic tests are no longer available.    Certainly, these tests were the cause of all the disease in this country, and without them we no longer will have any of the diseases that have plagued us for so long.

On that note, we would like to acknowledge the family members we have lost this year.  Clearly they all died of natural causes:  Grandma Goldstein, Grandpa Goldstein,  Nana Pearlman, Papa Pearlman,  Aunt Sylvie, Uncle Mortie, Aunt Rose, Uncle Phil, Cousin Bernie, Cousin Stevie, Cousin Michael, Cousin Frankie and our dear Nieces Heather and Heidi, they were only 9 but they certainly led a full life and their time had come. 

Our oldest daughter Nicole was just so grateful to keep her job as a teacher.   She started the school year in class, but after a couple weeks she was having trouble breathing, and coughing.   The school was very kind and allowed her to teach remotely from home and even gave her breaks every two hours so she could go on oxygen for 10 minute intervals.   This was almost enough to keep her conscious for the next two hours.   After a couple weeks of this, she was moved to a hospital where they could ensure that her ability to teach would not suffer.   Even when she was put on a respirator, the Principal of her school came in and worked with her class, having them keep track of her vitals as part of their lesson plan.

RIP Nicole.  We are so glad you were able to keep your job up to your last breaths.  Thank you to the government for allowing that to happen.

Our middle daughter was going to homeschool her children, but was informed by the school board that this was not an option.   We are so grateful the school board made her do this, as the lack of socialization would have just been awful for her kids.    In October, she had a State-mandated birthday party for her daughter, and as required she invited the entire class to her house for the affair.   All family members also attended the event as strongly encouraged by the State.   Strangely,  it was only 10 days later that all the grandparents died of old age.   Such a strange coincidence.

Our youngest daughter went to college in September.   We haven't seen her since.  We assume she is doing fine and just studying super hard for major in American History.  We believe the classes she was taking this semester were:   The USPS and It's Necessary Downfall;  Immigrants - the Ruin of our Country; White People - They Were Always Right;  Science - the New Version Made Up by Some Wicked Smart Politicians; and finally, the course that is required for all students in college this semester, Why Your President is the Awesomest!

So, that's it for us.   We are really grateful for 2020.  It has been such a wonderful year with terrific leadership that has taught us why so many of our beliefs were so very wrong.  We also want to apologize to all that are willing to listen for our previous, foolish beliefs in science and our family's religion of choice for the past few centuries (clearly the wrong choice).

We are sad that our list of recipients seems to be much shorter this year, we aren't sure why, but are hoping you are having a nice vacation somewhere in this great country of ours, because we are thankfully not allowed to leave it (not that we'd want to).   We especially hope that you are visiting Mt. Rushmore and enjoying the newly sculpted fifth face of our beloved President.  We were sorry to hear than an entire tribe of local Native Americans died of natural causes during the construction of this amazing facade, but we are confidant that they would be grateful that there is such a tribute to these five Great White Men, that have led this country so bravely and fearlessly.  God Bless!

We hope that you, and what is left of your family,  have the Merriest of Christmases!   We are grateful to be attending many large holiday parties this year that are being thrown by the State and we will be happy to see your smiling faces there since masks have been outlawed!

We hope that Santa brings you good health this year, since he has recently been named the President's chief medical advisor.

God Bless the President!

Love, 

The Pearl family (previously known as the Goldstein-Pearlmans)