Corona Letters #38

Dear College Administrators,

Hi!  It's me!  The college parent who is about to write you a rather large tuition check.

I am writing this check because this week you sent me a letter saying that you would "let" my child come back to campus and live in a dorm.  Of course, there was the caveat that all their classes would still be on-line but life will surely be "better" for them if they can be back on campus.  Even with a mask, temperature checks,  living in a single and only being able to see their friend down the hall through a ZOOM session.  At least they won't be sleeping in their childhood bedroom with Thomas the tank engine wallpaper, or princess sheets (okay they still kind of like the princess sheets).

I gotta tell you that I couldn't agree more.  My kid DOES need to go back to school, but you already knew that, didn't you.   You knew that after living together under quarantine, parents and their children alike would be very anxious for things to get back to normal.  You're relying on that fact, aren't you?

You know that I took Econ 101 in your sacred halls, right?   I get how this works.

You need my tuition check for your institution to survive, and we need you to let our children back on to campuses for our family units to survive.   We demand and you supply, with a hefty price tag to boot.  You know that enough families are willing to pay full price for the "less than" college experience, so you've sent us our sizable bill.

You've even shortened the semester.   The students will be returning before thanksgiving and not returning until a date that will be determined later.  Maybe in February?  March?

Anyway, all us parents, who are coughing up the money to pay your tuition fully understand that we are making a deal with the devil but you need to understand some things too.

You cannot send them home until Thanksgiving.  Even if they are sick.  That's why you have a dorm reserved for sick students, right?

Since March our kids have lived at home with their immune compromised grandmother/sister/aunt/brother/dog and they have been VERY careful about what they bring into the house.   If they go out anywhere,  which is rare, they wear a mask and when they get home they immediately "disinfect" with copious amounts of hand sanitizer or maybe even a shower.   They also take off their "outside" clothes and put on freshly laundered clothes.   They have done everything to keep their grandmother/sister/aunt/brother/dog safe.   But, once you bring them onto your campus, they cannot come back here.  It's just not possible.  It would be unsafe.

They haven't enjoyed this experience but they sucked it up and did it for the safety of their beloved family member.

You are putting a kink in this system and now they are your responsibility.

"No Problem!" you say.  "We have a dorm for that!"

Ok.  There are some things you need to know about our kids when they are sick, which they inevitably will be, since you are opening your ivied gates in a country where cases are still spiking.

Please take note:

The 20 year old girl in room 426 in Dorm X,  needs to have Campbells Chicken soup, specifically the princess version, when she is sick.  It's the only thing she'll eat.  She also likes chocolate pudding, but she knows the difference between instant and homemade, don't even try to pawn off the instant kind on her!!!

The 19 year old boy in room 176 in Dorm F, likes to have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when he's ill.    You have to use Skippy creamy or he won't touch it.  Also, you'll have better luck getting him to eat if you use star and moon cookie cutters and offer him his sandwich in these fun shapes.

The 21 year old boy in the XXX frat house still sleeps with his beloved blankie.  He'll never admit it though.  You'll need to wash it every day because he sleeps with it right up against his face at night and then uses it as a whip with his frat brothers during the day.   If you don't want the whole frat house to get sick you better wash that sucker.   He calls it "blu-ie" but it's more gray with a lot of bleach spots.   You'll probably want to pick it up with a pair of tongs.

The 18 year old freshman in room 333 in Dorm ABC always has her grannie sing her lullabies when she is under the weather and can't fall asleep without it.  She especially loves her family's personalized version of "Hush little baby don't say a word" which they have finely tuned over the years with their own verses and it  takes a mere 27 minutes to get through the entire song.  She likes it sung exactly twice.   BTW, if you mess up you have to start from the beginning.  Granny will forward you the lyrics.   Some of them are in her native language of Lithuanian.  Isn't that neat?

The 22 year old red-shirted, football playing sophomore in dorm NFL?  He sweats profusely when he has a fever.   And, when I say profusely I mean that he leaves puddles on the floor the size of Lake Erie.   He has a hard time getting his 300 lb, 6'5" frame out of bed to take a shower when he's sick, so he'll need some assistance with that.   Also, you'll probably need to change his sheets four or five times a day, at least.  

I know you are laughing at all of this and saying "there is no way in hell!" 

"These kids are so entitled!" you're saying.

Sure they are!  What kind of families do you think can afford your ridiculous tuitions?

So can we agree then?

We will make our deal with the devil by sending our kid's to your institution during the pandemic, and you will make your deal with the devil by taking care of our beloved off-spring until Thanksgiving.

See you then!

Gobble, Gobble!