Corona Letters #20

Dear Fellow Quarantiners,

On this rainy, dismal day I want to talk about grief, infinity and holding space.

Heavy topics.  I know.

First let's talk about grief.   Almost everyone we know is experiencing some kind of grief right now, this is such an unusual circumstance to have the world grieving all at once.   This kind of experience is usually reserved for war time or a catastrophic event like 9/11, but here we are in the midst of a pandemic, all grieving.

People are grieving for different reasons,
Some people are grieving for the loss of their regular routine/life.
Others are grieving the loss of an income.
Some are grieving the loss of time with distant friends and family.
And then there are those who have lost a loved one, and the magnitude of this grief is
without equal.

Now I am going to interrupt myself for a minute to talk about infinity.   When she was in middle school, my daughter was really into John Green's book/movie "A Fault in our Stars" about two young lovers who were both terminally ill.   To help me understand my daughter's interest in this depressing topic, I read the book and saw the movie.   And yes, I cried buckets of tears,  but it was a compelling read/watch and even though the subject matter was bleak at best, it was a beautifully tragic love story.   Towards the end of the book (warning:  spoiler alert) the characters hold a mock funeral for the young man, Augustus, who's time on earth is drawing near to an end.   His young lover, Hazel Grace, delivers the eulogy she intends to deliver at his real funeral.  This is what she says:

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities... I cannot tell you how grateful I am for our little infinity. You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”

Yes.  I am quoting a young adult novel, and I am not ashamed.

That this quote stuck with me ever since, and it's been seven years since she was in middle school.

"Some infinities are bigger than others"

Now, I've done my research and realize that some mathematicians would find this concept questionable at best, so I will refer to it as "poetic math" and hope my geeky friends will be okay with that.  Besides, it segues nicely into my next topic.

"Some infinities are bigger than others" and, along the same lines, some griefs are bigger than others.

It would be unfair to compare the grief one feels because they can't dine at their favorite restaurant on a Friday night to the grief of someone who just lost someone they love.   In fact, it would be ridiculously preposterous.

However, just like infinity is immeasurable, so is grief.   You can't put a ruler to it.    Grief exists heavily in the air right now and it demands to be felt, by everyone.   

So, If we are all grieving, how can we help each other through this difficult time?

"Holding space" is an expression used in the psychology of grief.   It basically means sitting with someone in their pain, without judgement.   You can read more about it here.   I'm sure all of my geeky people, the same ones who rolled their eyes at "some infinities are bigger than others" will roll their eyes at this concept too.  Go ahead and judge me, but then you are not holding space for me ;)

Grief demands to be felt and is being felt by every one of us right now.   This makes it so hard to "hold space" for each other and hear each other's grief.   But this kind of empathy, understanding, and lack of judgment makes the journey through this difficult time so much more bearable.

So maybe now, more than ever, we need to do this for each other.   We need to listen and care for each other.  Let each other know we are not alone.    Some grief is indeed bigger than others, so making time to help someone else carry a heavier load, to offer to share that load, is one of the best gifts we can give right now.

Since we are all social distancing right now, most of our conversations with friends and family are over FaceTime or ZOOM.  This allows us the freedom to find some cozy corner in the house to sit and listen to friends, and help them carry their burdens.   But I warn you to choose wisely where to have these conversations, because some places are uncomfortable and cramped.  And........

Some spaces are bigger than others.

:)

Let's all help each other through this!

Stay Healthy!

Deb